#MajorsCorner ……..Political hogwash

Sometimes the political correctness of this world gets me down, and it seems a less amusing place. I know, I know, we must not make fun of the unfortunate or the different, but we are now afraid to say anything about anything except white males, which is encouraged through a nodding media.
As an example, a few weeks ago at the club on speech night, I rose after dinner to thank the club chef for preparing such a splendid chicken repast. The words had barely left my lips when a woman stood up and bellowed, “What about roosters?”
“Eh?” I said hopefully.
“Why pick on females? What about those lazy male chickens?” said the frenzied lady, who was there as a guest of some now-embarrassed club mem.
I tried to keep the situation calm by calling upon my innate logic.
“I don’t think roosters taste very good, you see.”
The harridan was having none of it and pulled a rubber chicken mask over her head before disrobing. The club went into an immediate and deep psychosis. To sum up: A woman wearing a chicken mask was taking her clothes off because we served chicken and not rooster at our monthly Speakers’ Dinner. The agony was only heightened by the words painted on the lady’s backside: “The club is anti-female.”
We think that was what it said, as the lipstick or whatever she used had become smudged while she was sitting through the aforementioned dinner. Chaos ensued, needless to say.
The point of the story is that the chef has had a breakdown and we are afraid to serve much more than strained leeks, although Taffy Owen, a Welshman here, has talked darkly about his national veg being abused as a substitute for rooster.
You cannot win these days. It is getting more difficult to say much more than hello and then sit mutely through a bland dinner.
I recall well someone lecturing me about my drinking as if I had a problem. A visiting celibate-ascetic kept watching me as I consumed my daily consumption of just five martinis.
This, of course, was over an eight-hour period, a very long time, you will agree. But I have an iron-clad personal rule to never under any circumstances drink more than those five. So you would hardly credit the fact that this club visitor found fault with my habits in saying,
“How long have you been an habitual drunk, Major?”
I mean to say, in my own club! One does not chide mems on their use of gin martinis! The room swam before my eyes. How dare he? What?
But you see what I mean. People can hardly enjoy themselves any more without some fearful criticism washing over them. It means that even in the club, one can never let one’s guard down, a fact that will lead to undue anxiety.
When I was a miserable boy at boarding school, no master thought twice about calling me an imbecile and putting some pepper on it too. Today my pater would have sued for millions, based on expert testimony that I was deeply injured by such language, which would leave me limping emotionally through life.
Instead in those days my father had sent me to his old school, knowing full well harsh things would be said to me and I would be thoroughly thrashed by the teachers and prefects. Outside of a slight stammer and bursting into tears when I see someone with a cane, I came through the experience in splendid style.
When I watch TV, which is less and less these days, most of the news programs seem to be abundantly peopled by women and the same with the dramas, but many woman are furious because they feel they are underrepresented. I am told that our universities now have a majority of women. Also the Oscars were in some doubt of being broadcast because no black person was nominated. I am not sure how you force people to vote for some people and not others.
Everyone knows that the Asians generally excel in scholastics but if one says that, look out. You would think it is a positive thing but no, it is racism, no matter what.
When someone brings up a topic at the club that may possibly contain one of the now 500 dangerous subjects, we all stare catatonically at our shoes while mumbling platitudes. It is never good to take a stand on anything or even voice an opinion, because the hordes could turn on you. A friend told me that the most frightening words today are: “What did you just say?”
The present world has turned harsh as finger-waving moralists gather strength everywhere – so much so that I have not heard an amusing story at the club in some time.
Many would say that is a good thing, for before we must have been up to no good. Maybe, but now it is no fun.
There has to be some room for discourse and fun, don’t you think?
Copyright Christopher Dalton 2015.